that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
