and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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