the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
