I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
