I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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