Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
