??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
