dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Randomize
