Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
