I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
