I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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