I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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