I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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