No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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