2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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