I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
