I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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