Don't make out with my wife yet
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
