His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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