Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
