Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
