Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
