There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he shaved USA in his pubs
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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