so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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