he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
