1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Randomize
