so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
