Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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