my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
birth control should be required to get into college
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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