Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
