i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
