I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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