he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
