I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
