I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
