So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
