My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
