When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
