so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
