I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
