theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think my moral compass just broke
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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