so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
