how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
