I want you more than these girls want KFC
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
God I need to hump something, right now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
