No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
