i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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