These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
