Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
