Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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