you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize