we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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