wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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