Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
