Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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