So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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