i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
