"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
